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Saturday, March 28, 2020

With Love and Hope

My boyfriend and I ended our relationship. I'm not good. I'm not good because I don't think I've ever experienced such feelings of love. A love that was so unexpected but was giving, kind, communicative, patient, passionate, vulnerable and honest. I was going to try to write a "how to get over a breakup" post, but that just doesn't feel right. Because I am so deeply tangled in all of my feelings and frankly, because I don't think there is any right way to cope with someone who you love leaving your life when you still want them to be a part of it. You just have to get though it. I only know that you will have to cope with the idea that it will hurt for a long time and there isn't a way around that. 

I am having a hard time talking to my friends and family about it. First, because I'm not ready and don't have the energy to speak at length about he and I and secondly, because talking about it will not bring him back to me, although I wish that it could. 

I miss him and I love him. I am devastated that what we had together is now over and there won't be any more memories to be made. I will cherish all the amazing times and I may always wish that there were more. I wanted to start a new chapter of my life with him. New places, more adventures, moving in together and if we made it through all of that, a family. I don't know what to do with the discomfort and anxiety of dealing with the idea that these things will probably not happen. 

One day, I hope he finds his way back to me and that we can exist together in a new, open place of love. I want that. I tried to soothe myself with this thought but I understand that what I want and what actually happens in life are two very different things and we may not have the opportunity to come back together again.

Although, I still hope. 

More thoughts pour in. Thoughts about when he feels he is ready to move on and does. The thought of someone else receiving his affection, attention and his love crushes me and I hate thinking about that. I want him to find his peace and happiness, but I want to be the person who receives his love and I don't want anyone else to have it. As immature and childish as that might sound. 

I think of who will be next in my life. There will most likely be another in time if I allow and if I am ready, but I can't help worry that they, in my mind, will not come close to being how he was. I know that isn't a fair thought, but it is an honest one. There are a handful of people in this world that "have a soul" and I was fortunate to find and enter into a relationship with one of them.

There isn't much else to do now but wait and allow time to pass. Laboriously and drawn out. As the weeks and months go on, I hope that I will be able to find some peace within myself about his need to end our relationship. But for now, restlessly, I write this and take in our departure from each other minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. 

Even now, I feel that writing this is helpful, but not, because these words will not bring him back into my life like how he once was. 

Photo: a staircase in LA while on a trip together


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